Sonder
Considering a world of passers by.
“You are the main character. The protagonist. The star at the center of your own unfolding story…There in the background, faint and out of focus, are the extras. The random passersby, each living a life as vivid and complex as your own.”
Jon Koenig
Audio narration by David Marlow
Definition.
Sonder: (n)
sönder
1: The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
Sonder is a neologism or a newly coined word. You may be thinking, ‘Wait, you mean sonder wasn’t already a word?’
I assumed it was. In researching it, I found out it isn’t in any regular dictionary. Sonder does exist in German, meaning ‘special’ and in French, where it means ‘to probe’.
Jon Koenig coined the English meaning in his book Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.
Risk
Failing to embrace sonder leaves us lacking a sense of understanding of others as well as ourselves.
To fail to realize that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own is to deny a piece of our own story and humanity.
Empathy requires a sense of sonder and provides the bridge that connects us to others.
It allows us to step into the shoes of those we interact with and comprehend their joys, sorrows, and aspirations.
Without empathy generated by an attitude of sonder, we remain disconnected from the emotional landscape of others, unable to perceive the true depth of our influence and shared humanity.
Opportunity🌀
Sonder and empathy are like pebbles cast into a pond. The ripples they create extend far beyond our sight. We become catalysts for positive change, inspiring others to embrace the beauty of shared purpose.
This isn't just about knowing others; it's about truly seeing them. They are more than the person creating a background image in the coffee shop.
They have hopes, dreams, sorrows, and joys. Perhaps as important is the realization that we aren’t the coffee shop extras in their story either.
When we embrace the humanity of others, it frees us to accept our own…frailties and all.
It's an invitation to live a life rich in connections, understanding, and purpose, even with those who are only momentarily passing through our lives.
Story
One of the most profound gifts you can give another human being is genuinely listening to them. Listening at this level opens doors to encouragement as well. You hear what matters to them, their struggles, and what they value. If you want to encourage someone, start with listening.
While studying design at Cornell, I actively engaged with the concept of empathy interviewing. This approach is a form of deep listening without judgment or agenda.
Learning it as a practice made me a better listener and designer. More importantly, it made me a better husband, father, and human being.
Though I didn’t know the term at the time, this deep listening practice embraces the idea of sonder and goes a step further.
The power of sonder hit home when I was leading a design project at a large insurance company. The goal was to have executives and senior leaders conduct empathy interviews with people from all walks of life, backgrounds, and ages. Some were current clients, and some weren’t.
The thing that struck me as each of these leaders presented their findings in one way or another was that they led their feedback with… “We talked with five people on our trip. Starting with George, who was an interesting person…”
Stacy was interesting.
Miguel was interesting.
Esther was interesting.
We interviewed over 70 people, and every one turned out to be interesting.
There is a story worth knowing in every one of us. Each person we encounter is interesting if we take the time to get to know them.
Application.
There are many people we will come in contact with in our lifetimes. Embracing sonder does not mean we can or even should connect with everyone.
As Seth Godin said, “Sonder is defined as that moment when you realize that everyone around you has an internal life as rich and as conflicted as yours.”
It means recognizing that humanity and value in each life we encounter, even if it is only in the background of our travels.
When we do connect, we can embrace sonder by being curious about the people we meet. Genuinely listening to them and withholding judgment.
Humility, in turn, means recognizing our limitations and valuing others. In C.S. Lewis' words, it's "thinking of yourself less."
Combining curiosity and humility cultivates openness and the exploration of possibilities, suspending quick judgments in favor of gathering information and considering diverse perspectives.
All lead to an attitude of sonder.
🌀Reflection.
Jon Koenig created The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows while trying to write poetry in college.
The idea he came up with was to create all the words he needed for his poetry, including emotions that had never been defined in words before.
For your reflection, imagine you are Koenig and need words to more accurately describe the emotions you’re feeling and can’t express.
What words do we need to add to the Lexion of Purpose?
What words do you need to add to your life?
What ‘words’ might you create?
🌀 Remember: No matter what has come before, today is a fresh start. 🌱
Let’s make things a little bit better. 🌱
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What a brilliant and beautiful post, David. I was aware of sonder, but you have taken me to a new level of experience and understanding. Thanks 🌿