Marlow's Musings 7/7/24
Eliminating the forbidden words that cover our Ikigai
In last week's Musing, I did something different by sharing one of the Language of Purpose ideas rather than following my regular format.
As I write my book, I’m reviewing the building blocks of Ikigai. In doing so I realize it has been a while since I’ve shared some of these with you.
Last week’s Musing on ‘default’ generated intense interest and conversation. As a result, I thought I’d share a follow-up piece strongly connected to ‘the default’ language.
Some of the strong bondage in the default comes from the imposition of what I call the Forbidden Words.
Here, I explain the risk of continuing to use these default words and the opportunity presented by eliminating them from our vocabulary.
Now I invite you to explore another Language of Purpose…
Audio narration by David Marlow
The essence of our lives is made real by the language we use.
The Ikigai Guy
Definition.
for·bid (verb) past participle: forbidden
to refuse to allow something, especially officially, or to prevent a particular plan of action by making it impossible
to not allow something, or to order someone not to do something
Risk
There is a default1 language in life. The language of default is filled with should’s and have to’s and ought to’s and musts.
The word forbid or the action of forbidden is not to be taken lightly.
I call words like this…
The Forbidden Words.
Can’t, Always, Never, Have to, Should, But, Must
These words hold us back and close us off from possibility. It is the use of this language that eventually covers up our Ikigai.
I can’t do X.
I have to do X.
I’ve never done X before.
It always ends up the same.
I should do X.
or
We can’t do it that way.
We’ve always done it that way.
We’ve never done it that way.
We have to do it that way.
And don’t even get me started on the use of ‘but’ in our everyday conversation.
When we fill our minds with these words we cut off the language of purpose, of possibilities of progress.
We lock ourselves into being stuck in those places of disintegration and burnout.
Opportunity🌀
Words can empower, expand thinking, and enable approaching situations with a more open and innovative mindset.
Dropping the Forbidden Words and substituting enabling and expansive words creates an environment of growth, possibilities, capabilities, and collaboration.
Simply eliminating those words from our vocabulary makes a dramatic difference in our language and mindset.
Substituting better words takes the benefit one step further.
Here’s an example. Instead of ‘can’t use ‘not yet.’2
'Not yet' represents a growth mindset. It is a wonderful sign of openness to learn and to embrace the new that may come our way.
'Not Yet' is a metaphor for a life being lived as a journey in the making.
Story
When I was studying Design with my professors from Cornell we played a game that illustrates the power of expansive words.
We paired up and had to pretend to plan a party. One person started it off with an idea and the other person responded with a follow-up idea.
For the first round, we had to start every response with the word ‘but.’
Person 1: Let’s have a party with balloons…
Person 2: Balloons are fun but I am allergic to latex. We could have a clown.
Person 1:Yes but clowns are scary.
The process went nowhere.
For the second round, we had to start every response with the word ‘yes and.’
Person 1: Let’s have a party with balloons…
Person 2: Balloons, yes and we could have the party at the art museum by the lake.
Person 1: Yes and with the lakefront as a backdrop we could make it a pirate theme.
The second-party planning effort was open and expansive. We came up with incredible ideas.
Just that one little word change made all the difference.
Application.
In Life and Business
My consulting work involves leading people through change and improvement.
Whenever I kick off an improvement event I share behaviors that will help make the effort more successful.
One of the actions I recommend is adjusting vocabulary to eliminate the Forbidden Words.
The approach to driving change in our lives is much the same as in business. Our words impact how we frame our situations, opportunities, and actions.
Eliminating words like ‘Can’t, Always, Never, Have to, Should’ free us from the restrictions they place in our minds.
Only recently, I’ve added the word Should to the list.
It seems anytime the word Should enters our thoughts it’s related to guilt, expectations, or social conditioning.
When we do something because we Should it often means we don't want to do it.
I Should clean up the garage. I Should start working out.
It can also express unmet expectations, and we know where that can lead.
They Should treat me better. I Should have gotten that promotion.
🌀Reflection.
In the upcoming week, notice when you use the Forbidden Words. Look for times when you say things like…
I can’t do X.
I have to do X.
I’ve never done X before.
It always ends up the same.
I should do X.
or
We can’t do it that way.
We’ve always done it that way.
We’ve never done it that way.
We have to do it that way.
or say ‘but’ this or ‘but’ that.
Becoming aware is the first step to eliminating the Forbidden Words.
Reframe these words to positive or empowering phrases like ‘not yet’ and change the actions to avoid shame behaviors the ‘shoulds.’
Remember: No matter what has come before, today is a fresh start. 🌱
Let’s make things a little bit better. 🌱
I really like how practically helpful this is! Application is key, and for that it needs to be practical in my experience! Love it!
I am starting to change my vocabulary immediately by telling you how much I love your article, as always (Oh...that's a good 'always'). 😉